Well, the semester is all but over, and I guess I should say something about the class. It was fun. The discussions were open and refreshing, and it was nice to receive a writing assignment that didn't have an entire page of rigid rules and limitations. I wish more English classes followed that example. I don't mind writing about a certain book or story, but let me write what I want to about it. Don't give me 500 rules that pigeonhole me into writing some boring crap that will greatly resemble the work turned in by every other member of the class.
It was also nice to explore different media, and while I first didn't like the idea of a blog because in my experience only pretentious wieners who think anyone cares what they had for breakfast today or what their mood is create them. I make exceptions for people who have important ideas that they discuss, but for the most part "I'm going to see the Backstreet Boys reunion concert woooOOo~" is what blogs usually produce.
Will I keep this blog going? Probably not, for just that reason.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
Terrible Advertising
I'm not sure if anyone reading this has seen the new Life Water commercials, but I'm hoping someone can explain what they're about to me. It's water. Ok. Cute girl. K. Wait, now the lizards and the girl are dancing to Michael Jackson's "Thriller" and some of the lizards have grills. What is this supposed to mean to me? Drink Life Water - Hot chicks and lizards, man. Is there a premise that I'm not getting?
I can just imagine the board meeting for this.
Exec: We need a new catchy advertisement for our Life Water, show me what you got.
Exec 2: Well, kids like chicks!
Exec: Hm yes, I like this. Needs more though.
Exec 3: Some sort of animal maybe? Kangaroos are pretty popular with kids these days.
Exec 4: I dunno, when I think kangaroos, I also think of dingos and baby stealing. I don't think baby stealing is gonna help our campaign.
Exec 3: What about lizards? Remember the Budweiser lizards? We can use lizards and avoid a lawsuit; I don't think you can copyright animals!
Exec 2: Oh man, have the girl dance with the lizards! To Thriller! Kids love Michael Jackson! It'll be awesome!
Exec 1: Perfect.
Screw this commercial.
I can just imagine the board meeting for this.
Exec: We need a new catchy advertisement for our Life Water, show me what you got.
Exec 2: Well, kids like chicks!
Exec: Hm yes, I like this. Needs more though.
Exec 3: Some sort of animal maybe? Kangaroos are pretty popular with kids these days.
Exec 4: I dunno, when I think kangaroos, I also think of dingos and baby stealing. I don't think baby stealing is gonna help our campaign.
Exec 3: What about lizards? Remember the Budweiser lizards? We can use lizards and avoid a lawsuit; I don't think you can copyright animals!
Exec 2: Oh man, have the girl dance with the lizards! To Thriller! Kids love Michael Jackson! It'll be awesome!
Exec 1: Perfect.
Screw this commercial.
On simplicity
As I read through my blog to look at things I've covered, I realized that my blog is pretty sparsely decorated. At first, I thought about adding some pictures, and then decided against it simply because I find it unnecessary. That's not to say they might not help my blog look more zippy, but it's a slippery slope. One day it's pictures, the next it's annoying background images and crappy Tool/Atreyu music. After that, you're not far off from using Comic Sans text and adding annoying mouse-cursors shaped like meteors or ravioli or whatever the hell else the Internet has managed to come up with.
I've had people ask me before if I had a Myspace account, and I answered no, because of just this kind of stuff. You find me a Myspace account that is tastefully done and doesn't want to make the human eye implode in a desperate attempt at escape, and I'll show you what represents the vast minority of blog/Myspace accounts.
If you're incapable of expressing yourself on these kinds of pages without looping some country song in the background to let people know just how you feel about the Iraq War, then you're doing a poor job. For proof, does anyone remember the early 90's and the annoying but prevalent trend of looping awful .midi files on webpages? It was bad. So bad. Anyone who remembers this probably just looked nervously around their room and hoped none of their webpages from back then still exist.
I'm not saying it's impossible to tastefully implement these sorts of things, but I dare anyone here to take the Myspace challenge and find more than 10 pages from their friends list that aren't capable of being compiled into a list of crimes against humanity.
I've had people ask me before if I had a Myspace account, and I answered no, because of just this kind of stuff. You find me a Myspace account that is tastefully done and doesn't want to make the human eye implode in a desperate attempt at escape, and I'll show you what represents the vast minority of blog/Myspace accounts.
If you're incapable of expressing yourself on these kinds of pages without looping some country song in the background to let people know just how you feel about the Iraq War, then you're doing a poor job. For proof, does anyone remember the early 90's and the annoying but prevalent trend of looping awful .midi files on webpages? It was bad. So bad. Anyone who remembers this probably just looked nervously around their room and hoped none of their webpages from back then still exist.
I'm not saying it's impossible to tastefully implement these sorts of things, but I dare anyone here to take the Myspace challenge and find more than 10 pages from their friends list that aren't capable of being compiled into a list of crimes against humanity.
More Unfunny Morons
Since I mentioned them last time, I figured I would elaborate on Tim and Eric.
For those of you not in the know, Tim and Eric's Awesome Show Great Job! is a terrible comedy show on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim block. It makes no sense, has no premise, and the actual hosts themselves are people that I wish would get run over by a street cleaner. So far, the only people known to have ever cared for Tim and Eric are pompous turds who want to "get it" when no one else does or cares to, but they overlook the fact that there's nothing to get except the horrifying sight of two failures flailing away on television in a poor attempt at random or cutting edge humor. Their reason for existence, most likely clouded in secrecy and voodoo magic, is probably best explained by saying that they "cleanse the palette". Cartoon Network shows a decent show, and then they show Tim and Eric, which is so terrible and unfunny that they could follow that with a show about Leukemia patients being launched from catapults into a field of kittens, and it would still be more funny than Tim and Eric by simple comparison.
Tim and Eric are anti-funny. If they bumped into actual funny, the explosion would be immense and would cost billions of lives.
For those of you not in the know, Tim and Eric's Awesome Show Great Job! is a terrible comedy show on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim block. It makes no sense, has no premise, and the actual hosts themselves are people that I wish would get run over by a street cleaner. So far, the only people known to have ever cared for Tim and Eric are pompous turds who want to "get it" when no one else does or cares to, but they overlook the fact that there's nothing to get except the horrifying sight of two failures flailing away on television in a poor attempt at random or cutting edge humor. Their reason for existence, most likely clouded in secrecy and voodoo magic, is probably best explained by saying that they "cleanse the palette". Cartoon Network shows a decent show, and then they show Tim and Eric, which is so terrible and unfunny that they could follow that with a show about Leukemia patients being launched from catapults into a field of kittens, and it would still be more funny than Tim and Eric by simple comparison.
Tim and Eric are anti-funny. If they bumped into actual funny, the explosion would be immense and would cost billions of lives.
I thought I was safe
For many months, I hoped that Comedy Central had finally done it. I thought they had rid me of Carlos Mencia. His comedy is an abomination, and that's if you use the word comedy extremely loosely. It's even worse than Tim and Eric's Awesome Show - Great Job!. Yes, somehow someone managed to be less funny than Tim and Eric. Carlos Mencia is a comedy void, sucking in galaxies and sponsors with no end in sight. It got bad enough during his last season that I couldn't watch Comedy Central without leaving it on mute for the fear of seeing one of his commercials.
The only way I can think of to describe his show is to imagine a world where scientists found a way to transmit cancer directly through a television into the unsuspecting eyeballs of an entire nation. His humor relies on hamfisted "racial observations" that lack the insight of Dave Chapelle's work and poor skits that only end with the viewer projectile vomiting in the bathroom.
The fact that his show was the "replacement" for Chapelle's Show is a tragedy.
The only way I can think of to describe his show is to imagine a world where scientists found a way to transmit cancer directly through a television into the unsuspecting eyeballs of an entire nation. His humor relies on hamfisted "racial observations" that lack the insight of Dave Chapelle's work and poor skits that only end with the viewer projectile vomiting in the bathroom.
The fact that his show was the "replacement" for Chapelle's Show is a tragedy.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
More on authors I hate
Woolf. Melville. Thoreau.
Boring.
How is it that someone in the distant past decided that these people were worth reading, when they're actually some of the most boring writers in the world? Have you ever tried to actually read Billy Budd or Mrs. Dalloway? It's like letters have organized themselves into a mob with the sole intention of killing your brain cells. Nothing happens. Flip page. Nothing happens. Flip page. Nothing happens. Throw book out window. Watch TV.
Boring.
How is it that someone in the distant past decided that these people were worth reading, when they're actually some of the most boring writers in the world? Have you ever tried to actually read Billy Budd or Mrs. Dalloway? It's like letters have organized themselves into a mob with the sole intention of killing your brain cells. Nothing happens. Flip page. Nothing happens. Flip page. Nothing happens. Throw book out window. Watch TV.
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